Ripped from the Headlines-Made Up News Stuff for Your Tuesday Coffee Klatch

Here it is Tuesday Mar 31st, ripping off the calendar of the last day in March-as we make up news stuff ripped from the news headlines and filter it for your Tuesday Coffee Klatch. Warning this news is made up and will not give you a sense or a view of the world in real time. Any incidents related to actual events is purely coincidental, unless Brian Williams retells it according to his versionIt is March 31st, the 90th day of 2015, with just 275 days left in the year.

The big Hillary Clinton Email scandal continues-latest news is she wiped her server clean, ditched all the important emails and will be writing a new book totally through email for easy read and delete capabilities. Don't like Chapter 1? Delete it? Want to cut and paste Chapters 3 &4, you can do that. The new Hillary Clinton Email book- "I Got Mail, but I Deleted It" will be available through email exchanges everywhere and easily deletable by the touch of a button. The Eiffel Tower makes history notes, as French engineer Gustave Effiel unfurled the French tricolor from atop the Eiffel Tower, officially marking its completion.

In 1949, Newfoundland (now called Newfoundland and Labrador) entered confederation as Canada's tenth province. In 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson stunned the country by announcing he would not seek re-election. President Johnson went on to star in a TV series called "Have Welfare-Will Travel" a romantic Western Comedy where he plays a tenderfoot named Mac Tools a gunfighter who travels town to town and signs up citizens for Food stamps and starts new Great Society Territorial towns.

Happy Birthday wishes to the following Birthday Celebrities for Mar 31st--- Comedian Gabe Kaplan is 71. Former Vice President Al Gore is 67. Author David Eisenhower is 67. Actress Rhea Perlman is 67. Actor Ed Marinaro is 65. Rock musician Angus Young (AC/DC) is 60. Also blowing out Candles today is Christopher Walken who turns 72

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Innovative Consumer news front..Al Gore bottling his Own Global Warming brew

Politics Makes Strange Groping Fellows

Defense Secretary Ash Carter said he laughed when he saw VP Joe Biden groping his wife. According to the Defense Secretary “Oh, I laughed. I laughed. I laughed. They know each other extremely well, and we’re great friends with the Bidens,” he said in an interview aired Tuesday with NBC’s Savannah Guthrie on the Today Show

HEY I HAVE A HOT TUB, HOW ABOUT A DIP?

Biden releasing his new Memoir Called Hands On Training-featuring the best Groping pictures of a VP in Office
The book will be released after he leaves office- way after with movie deals a possibility..as a remake, perhaps the Ghost sequel

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Pentagon: Military recruitment challenges ahead...

Considers easing of enlistment standards...

From the Halls of Montezuman to the Shores of Tripoli and Rio Grande and beyond: Here is the Amnesty News Headlines America!!!!

30% of kids in Boston schools require English instruction...

Half of students in some CO schools from non-English speaking homes...

One third of residents in N VA now foreign-born...

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It's a Mad Mad Mad Technological world. Drones are being outfitted for all kinds of purposes. Law Enforcement, Pizza Delivery..and a newer technology:

Automation expert Festo has created three robots inspired by butterflies, ants and a chameleon. They can fly in packs, self charge, work in groups and pick up pretty much anything.
The pick of the bunch is the FlexShapeGripper, a grabbing tool that’s modelled on the incredible tongue of a chameleon. To catch prey, chameleons’ tongues act like suction devices, grabbing flies in an adhesive, form-fitting, interlocking hold.

then there is the Presidential Eye in the Sky drone, very effective for Presidential Joy Riding around DC

Jeb Bush defends NSA Surveillance, he doesn't want anyone stealing his Famous Jeb Bush Baked Beans recipe.

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McDonald's Corp is introducing table service in Germany as it reinvents itself as a "modern, progressive burger company" under new Chief Executive Steve Easterbrook, it said on Monday.

Diners at its Frankfurt Airport restaurant in Germany, one of the company's toughest markets, will now be able to be served at their table after placing an order either at the front counter, a digital kiosk or with waiter carrying a tablet PC.

"This is completely new for McDonald's," Thomas Brand, head of development and restaurant innovation for Germany, told a company magazine.

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Navajo Nation sees tax on junk food as way to combat health problems...As a way to beat rampant obesity, heart disease, diabetes--there is a 2% tax being levied on junk foods. Got a hankering for French Fries, Twinkies, Chips, you gotta pay a 2% tax.. Okay to keep the Native American from getting fat while keeping their wallets lean. By the way, they were paying 5% tax on healthy foods, like fruits and veggies, and that has been lifted. But, the fruits and veggies are still costly, like 7 dollars for fresh apples...an apple a day keeps the doctor away, if you can afford it. Again added to the burden for alot of fixed income people the 2% tax on fast foods. Tax begins April 1st, tomorrow, and is No Joke!

Finally in the News....trouble for the Vatican?  Two renegade Catholic bishops plan to consecrate a new generation of bishops to spread their ultra-traditionalist movement called "The Resistance" in defiance of the Vatican, one of them said at a remote monastery in Brazil.

French Bishop Jean-Michel Faure, himself consecrated only two weeks ago by the Holocaust-denying British Bishop Richard Williamson, said the new group rejected Pope Francis and what it called his "new religion" and would not engage in a dialogue with Rome until the Vatican turned back the clock.

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That wraps this Tuesday news sipping Coffee Klatch. Thanks for letting me into your headlines, until the next time I can delve deeper into the darkest recesses of my warped speed imagination and pull more incredibly made up news out for your perusal, may your house always be safe from Lions, Tigers, Bears and incredible Prayer chains and prayer warriors kneeling at your door

Monday's Mental Images Carved in News Paper

Today's Opening for your Monday is brought to you by Kim Yong June-Un's cousinWelcome to a Monday as we kick start a new week on almost an ending note for March. Today is Mar 30th, the 89th day of the year with 276 days left for more Presidential VetoesPortions of today are closed captioning for the Politically Impaired(whoop whoop whoop) Go Get Em Team. Yeah Republicans!!! Go Go Go...!!!!

WHOOP WHOOP COME ON REPUBLICANS. GO TEAM GO 2016 IS YOUR TIME..YEAH PUSH EM BACK PUSH BACK ALL THE WAY BACK TO RUSSIA...

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SPEAKING OF RUSSIA: Our opening history for this date - In 1867, U.S. Secretary of State William H. Seward reached agreement with Russia to purchase the territory of Alaska for $7.2 million. SOCCER HISTORIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE SARAH PALIN RETORTED.. 

Happy 70th Birthday to Eric Clapton- of Cream, Yardbirds, John Mayall and Blues breakers, Blind Faith...to name a few plus his own solo career. After Midnite, He's gonna let it all hang down and do a little Cocaine

HILLARY 'WIPED HER SERVER CLEAN'...
RNC: 'Even Nixon didn't destroy the tapes'...--Clinton wiped her emails out totally and has none of the emails from her four years as Secretary of State..Yes Madam Secretary Deleted the Slate Clean

Meanwhile what do you do in the White House, when you aren't busy vetoing legislation, meeting with your staff, golfing or just taking it easy??? You take Selfies!!!

ISIS released its latest hostage selfieDamn we look good on Camera don't we Abdul?

MY KINGDOM FOR A SNOW PLOW DAMN IT!!!!

NYC Mayor Bill Di Blasio in the famed NYC WINTER OF MY MAYORAL DISCONTENT PHOTO OP

TRAFFIC ON THE MORNING COMMUTE...HEAVY TOKERS IN THE SMOKER LANE

USA TODAY REPORTED ANOTHER NEWSPAPER CRIME SCENE TODAY

TIME FOR AN INTERMISSIONBROUGHT TO YOU BY THE WASCALLY WORLD OF KIM YONG UN

The Rolling Stones Gathers No Moss Tour is Underwayas soon as it gets Mick Cranked up

Katy Perry's new Single is Roarand its really big with her biggest Fan Tony the Tiger

And the nomination for best Stoic facial expression at a White House press conference goes to Sen Ted Cruz Actually it was a Madame Tussuad wax replica that the good Sen substituted while he went out and got a Beer.

REELING IN THE YEARS..DIRTY HARRY IN 44 MAGNUM RETIREEDID I POINT FIVE TIMES OR SIX, TO TELL THE TRUTH IN ALL THE EXCITEMENT OF FORGETTING TO TAKE MY GERITOL, I LOST TRACK. BUT BEING THIS IS A 44 MAGNUM FINGER AND IT WILL POINT YOUR EYE CLEAN OUT OF YOUR HEAD, YOU GOTTA ASK YOUR SELF THIS QUESTION..DO YOU FEEL LUCKY PUNK, WELL, DO YA?

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That wraps up all the fun and frivolity this Monday can handle. Thanks for letting me into your headlines. Until the next time I can pull together more fluff and stuff for your coffee klatch from the deepest darkest recesses of my warped speed imagination, May your House always be safe from Lions, Tigers, Bears and Sore Oscar losers posing as Wolfs on Wall Street

Sifting through The Sunday News Like a Coffee Filter

It's Sunday--Palm Sunday to be exact and how is it Celebrated at the Vatican? With a game of Follow the Bouncing PopePalm Sunday is a Christian moveable feast that falls on the Sunday before Easter. A movable feast is an observance in a liturgical calendar that occurs on different dates in different years. The most important set of moveable feasts are a fixed number of days before or after Easter Sunday, which varies by over 40 days. In Eastern Christianity, these moveable feasts form what is called the Paschal cycle. The Pope enjoys cycling around Vatican Square on Sundays after Massand hanging with his Homeys--the famed Harley Angels. Hope everyone has a happy Palm Sunday.

Today is Sunday, March 29, the 88th day of 2015. There are 277 days left in the year.
In 1974, eight Ohio National Guardsmen were indicted on federal charges stemming from the shooting deaths of four students at Kent State University. (The charges were later dismissed.)

In 1992, Democratic presidential front-runner Bill Clinton acknowledged experimenting with marijuana "a time or two" while attending Oxford University, adding, "I didn't inhale and I didn't try it again."Heck even the President smoked!!! Look at his first Campaign Poster which got cut from his CampaignBORN ON THIS DATE..CANADIAN SINGER TERRY JACKS...(POPPY FAMILY-WHICH WAY YA GOIN BILLY) AND SOLO ARTIST (SEASONS IN THE SUN) HE IS 71 YEARS YOUNG TODAY

Now to the stuff that makes the news for your Palm Sunday:

House Democrats Luis Guiterrez created a DO NOT DEPORT ME CARD as an Amnesty Alien safeguard to keep illegal Aliens from being Deported by INS when they are found to be living in USA illegally. Unfortunately it does not work for Teenage Canadian Teeny Boppers

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   ME YAMO IS JUSTIN BEEBER...YO, ME YAMO IS JUSTIN BEEBER, YO...YO DON'T SEND ME BACK TO CANADA PLEASE EHHHHH????
   
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   Michelle Obama's Lets Eat Campaign continues
   

   

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Taking Vacations at Tax Payers Expense!!! Try White House TaxRide.Com, yes the new Internet Way to book travel utilizing someone else's money while you figure where you wish to vacation every day of the year...WhiteHouse TaxRide.Com..Supported by the Occupants of the White House and used by Michelle Obama exclusively!!!
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This Public Service Announcement from the West Room of the White House:Conserve electricity, turn out the lights and make sure your Laser Light Saber Swords are turned off and charged nightly.

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   BEAUTIFUL SUNSET IN IRAN
   

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   HARRY REID WILL BE RETIRING SOON. ALREADY HE HAS ANOTHER CAREER THAT HE WILL BE WORKING IN HIS RETIREMENT SPARE TIME

   
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2. SECRET SERVICE STUDENT DRIVER

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   UH WHAT DO I DO NEXT?

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4. That wraps up today's totally useless news fluff, but its fun to delete anyway..Until tomorrow or the next time I can dig deeper into the darkest recesses of this warped speed imagination may your House be safe from Lions, Tigers, Bears and Unholy encounters of a Spiritual Kind
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